Addressing Addiction In The Family
Addressing Addiction In The Family | By Graciella Krycer
I will never forget the four words that changed the trajectory of my family's lives forever. It was a summer evening in June 2017 when the sun was peeking through the blinds of the dimly lit room. The light of the sunset radiated on my partner's face as he looked at me with painful eyes and uttered, "I have an addiction."
I was stunned. "What do you mean?" I asked. As my partner continued to explain his struggle to me, a rush of thoughts filled my mind while an unexplainable peace overcame my body, a peace that I knew only God could provide. I remember hearing, "Show him the forgiveness I have shown you." Without hesitation, I told my partner I forgave him and asked questions about how I could support him. I didn't know it then, but that was when our recovery journeys began.
I realize the scenario I highlighted isn't always what happens when addiction is in our homes. Whether it's addiction in the form of alcohol, drugs, pornography, food, or some other substance or compulsive behavior, addiction fills our personal spaces; It creates a web of chaos that can significantly affect loved ones. It can be challenging to sort through the mental stream of thoughts and the vast emotions from the wreckage.
What do we do as someone impacted by a loved one's addiction? How do we navigate through the challenges? Better yet, how do we invite God into our spaces and have him guide us through difficult times? There is no one-size fit solution for coping with a family member's addiction, but there is hope we can hold onto from the One who can lift the load and help us through it all.
Here are three things we can do when addiction hits our homes:
1.Realize their addiction is not about you.
Emotions can take over when our loved ones share their addiction with us. Maybe instead of peace in our hearts, we feel resentment. Perhaps instead of wanting to support our loved ones, we feel hurt. We may question what our part was in creating the addiction, thus ultimately blaming ourselves for the choices of our loved ones. Remember, addiction is a disease. The step into addiction was a decision made by the addict. If you are currently blaming yourself for your loved one's addiction, please release yourself from this burden. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself and any assumed shortcomings. I've had moments where I've wondered what part I played in my partner's recovery. I've learned that I had no play in his decision-making; he is human, and I cannot control him. I can only control myself and how I respond, so I decided to respond to him in love through forgiveness while also giving myself that same respect.
2. Seek community to safely process your emotions.
Although it's great for someone seeking help from addiction to get the support they need, the loved ones who are also affected by the addiction also need support to safely process their emotions. When my partner revealed his addiction to me, he found Celebrate Recovery at Canyon Ridge Christian Church online and decided to attend their Friday night service. Celebrate Recovery is a confidential faith-based 12-step program for those seeking healing from their hurts, habits, and hang-ups, including emotional or compulsive behavior and addiction. To support my loved one, I decided to attend as well. Little did I know God would allow this ministry to change my life.
I quickly realized I needed the community to help not only process my partner's addiction but also peel back the layers of my life to find healing from my own struggles. By attending service on Friday nights in the chapel, open share groups shortly after that, and a 9-12 month step study once a week, I could safely connect with other women who dealt with the same situation I was in or were seeking recovery as an addict themselves. Attending CR open share groups allowed me to gain much more perspective on the life of an addict and discover the who's, what's, and whys of addiction. I formed accountability bonds with other sisters in Christ, obtained a sponsor to help guide me through my own recovery, and found radical healing only God could provide. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel so alone, thanks to the community I found through Celebrate Recovery.
3. Create safe spaces and times to discuss their addiction together.
Although my partner's addiction is his own, one thing that helped us navigate the challenges of healing through addiction was creating safe spaces to talk about it together. With the help of Celebrate Recovery and individual mentorship, my partner and I discuss our recoveries at home, giving us better insight into what each of us is dealing with. We openly share ways to ensure our recoveries succeed while abiding by boundaries that could potentially trigger a relapse. Being responsible for our recoveries is one of the key elements to walking in victory with Jesus. But also ensuring there are safe spaces in our homes for an addict to express their struggles so loved ones can offer support at their best capacities, and vice-versa is also a significant element to success.
If you find this may be a challenge, seek advice from a licensed counselor or therapist to see what works best for you.
So, where have my partner and I been since that fateful moment in June 2017? After taking the first steps to seek help, we got engaged the following month and made a pack to find healing together. After almost a year of walking in recovery, my husband dedicated his life to Christ while I rededicated mine; we were both baptized in March 2018. We got married in the fall of 2018, with many of our brothers and sisters in recovery in attendance. My husband and I still walk our recoveries at Celebrate Recovery in Canyon Ridge Christian Church. We now volunteer together on Friday nights, co-led gender-specific step studies, and offer support to others through sponsorship and accountability.
As a partner of someone who struggled with addiction, if you are struggling with the same, you are not alone. The ripple effects of addiction can cause destruction but take heart: aside from community and support, remember there is a God who loves you and is walking with you through this trial. Hold on to Deuteronomy 31:6-8, which states, "Be strong and courageous…It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."
If you and your family are looking for a safe space to find healing from the impact of addiction, check out Celebrate Recovery at Canyon Ridge Christian Church on Friday nights at 6:45pm. Not in the area?
You can find other Celebrate Recovery meetings across the United States here!